When Letters Lead to Love
Like any blossoming correspondence, writing letters can lead to phone calls and visits. But any form of communication can be potentially monitored by the prison. So, what happens when pen pals fall in love?
“We never encourage pen-pals to write to an inmate for romantic reasons,” WriteAPrisoner said in a statement to A&E Crime + Investigation. “However, we have worked with millions of people and romantic relationships with an inmate do form on occasion. When this happens, we caution people about the difficulties of maintaining a prison relationship. We are not a dating organization. We are, however, an organization that understands the tremendous benefits of helping couples remain happy and healthy—even through prison walls.”
There is ample research that shows the positive outcomes for prisoners when they have regular contact with people outside of the prison environment. They are healthier emotionally, less lonely and once released, stand a better chance of reintegrating and decreased recidivism.
According to the Scholars Strategy Network and research by the University of Michigan, receiving emotional support can assist incarcerated individuals in managing their stress and helping them avoid disciplinary punishment. The incarcerated individuals who receive support are protected by the belief that they are cared for and are therefore able to cope with the various problems connected with incarceration.
Dr. Eman Tadros, an assistant professor in Syracuse University’s Department of Human Development and Family Science, tells A&E Crime + Investigation that inmates can form deep romantic relationships while behind bars because they “may have more time to be intentional.”
“Prisoner dating sites create a structured opportunity for these intentional communications,” she says. “These relationships form not because people are unaware of the risks of being with someone who's incarcerated, but because incarceration removes some of the distractions and ambiguities of conventional dating.”
Letter writing was once the traditional road to courtship and created a strong sense of intimacy and authentic voice. Incarcerated persons “rely on imagination and narrative building and like to talk to you about the future,” Tadros explains. “So, while that's great that you're having a more futuristic kind of conversation and planning a more emotional conversation and bonding on those things, it can intensify this emotional closeness.”
Challenges and Risks
There can be a downside, however, to the emotional intensity experienced with a romantic relationship developed in prison. It can set up an expectation that this closeness will always be there. “It can create this illusion of stability early on,” Tadros says. “So, the issue with that is, while you are having a relationship with someone who's incarcerated, you might think it's more serious than it actually is, but it's just because they're only focusing on you versus in the free world you might have a job or might have to tend to other responsibilities that you wouldn't have.”
Being romantically involved with someone who is behind bars—known as an MWI (Met While Incarcerated) relationship—also lacks the shared routine aspect that can be important to couples who need common ground to connect. It additionally limits spontaneous interactions because every visit and call needs to be planned out ahead of time, and communication is limited and often monitored. Physical intimacy can be restricted, too. In the 1990s, 17 states offered variations of conjugal visitation programs. Today, only four states—California, Connecticut, New York and Washington—allow “extended” or “family visits,” and neither federal nor maximum security prisons ever offered these benefits.
Grant, who asked not to use his last name, met his pen pal and now girlfriend through WriteAPrisoner. He resides in Massachusetts and she is incarcerated in Texas. They have not met in person yet, and he admits their situation is complicated as she can only have one video visit a month. But the key for them is to have consistent communication and a routine.
“She has a tablet with access to movies,” Grant tells A&E Crime + Investigation. “We coordinate our time to ensure we watch together. So, we have ‘date nights.’ She writes me handwritten letters, as do I. We try to engage in ‘normal’ activities. We read together and share our thoughts and opinions.”
However, there can be logistical issues such as an inconsistent messaging system they must navigate, and Grant says he finds it “intimidating to deal with correctional staff.”
Relationships with someone in prison can come with financial challenges for those in the free world. “The expense is immense,” Grant says, “especially if you want as ‘normal’ a relationship as possible. There is a cost for everything; to send a single message has a cost, to watch an episode of TV there is a cost. Though she does have a religious app that is free, and we watch sermons together.”
There’s also the cost of Grant traveling to Texas, which he plans to do in the coming days, now that he’s been added to her visitation.
But Grant feel it’s worth it. “The most powerful joy is knowing that our love has a sort of purity to it,” he says. “Our affection and dedication is not predicated on anything sexual, we bring each other sincere joy and connect on a deeper level, heart to heart and mind to mind. Trust is paramount and knowing I can trust her implicitly is wonderful, and knowing that she trusts me is equally wonderful.”
Studies show that 93.5% of all inmates are male, which results in more women seeking male pen pals. Women also enter into relationships with incarcerated men out of a desire for emotional commitment and have a genuine belief that they can help in the rehabilitation of the individual. “It’s those willing to provide emotional and financial support,” Tadros says. “I think people do know the risk. They might not know the extent of how much they'll be asked emotionally and financially. Usually, it's not as much a physical thing. I think it's people just looking for connection."
