myule's blog

I Haven't Slept

...in 48 hours so please excuse any typos. My whole body feels weak, like I have a very thin grasp on reality. But before I crash I have to get this out of my head...

Have you ever had a crush on someone? You see him and you just know, he's your person. You're sure of it. Because how could someone who makes you feel like this be wrong? And it's not just him you fall for, but the whole package; the firecracker of a mother who feels everything so acutely, and the kind under-appreciated brother. So you wait for him to get the picture. Because the picture could be perfect. If only he saw you.

And then one day he does. Suddenly you're living in this dream world you didn't even realize you had constructed. But as time goes by you're thinking, gosh this isn't exactly what I pictured. It all looks right, the players and the setting, but it feels off. And then one day it's as if the scaffolding is crumbling all around you and you're left asking, who is Norman Bates?

The truth is I saw a side of Norman last night I've never seen before, and it occurred to me that the guy I fell for was an illusion. I'd taken liberties, filling in the gaps. I was thinking he couldn't see me, but it was me who didn't see him. Now, I don't want you to think that finding out Norman isn't who I thought he was means I'm going to leave him behind. I care about him. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm so thankful to Dylan for letting me in last night. He showed such incredible strength in the face of uncertainty. I hope Norman knows how much Dylan loves him. How much I love him, too.

So, what happens now? What will be left behind when the dust settles?

And what am I going to say to him?

Life is Hard Sometimes

...This morning, Norma came into the office and said that Norman was under the weather and sleeping in his room. She had to go run some errands and asked if I could keep an eye on him. I don't really know what went on the previous night, but she looked stressed out about him. So I agreed.

I guess after blowing off steam and ranting in my last post, it really helped me to get out a lot of my frustration and put some things into perspective. As I watched Norman sleep, I couldn't help but think about how we all have our own things we go through in life. Norman is such a sweet and gentle human being; I would never wish anything bad on him. But he's been through a lot. The death of his father, taking up the role as "man" of his home and helping his mother run their business, not to mention all of the other craziness the motel brings with it.

I think he puts so much pressure on himself that he makes it hard for anyone to help him. The only person he puts all his trust in is Norma, and he needs to realize he has more than just her he can rely on. He has a brother. Dylan wants what is best for the family, and has worked really hard to get to a good place inside their unit. Norman needs to trust him, but sometimes Norman puts up these blinders, these walls, and doesn't see the good that Dylan is trying to do, not only for himself, but also for his family. Dylan is trying to heal. I'm sure Dylan feels like me sometimes, on the outside looking in. Wishing he were as bonded to Norman as Norman is to Norma. He wants that brotherly trust, the camaraderie.

The Bates family is going through some very deep emotional family issues, and they need to support one another. Instead of pointing fingers they need to come together as one unit and hash out their issues. These secrets only hurt their family connection that's taken so long to mend.

I just hope they can all work through it.

!!!Rant Alert!!!

...OK, tell me honestly - do I look stupid? Do I look like someone who can't handle things? Who needs every single little decision made for her? Because, based on the way people have been treating me lately, it certainly feels that way.

I know I can't do everything that normal kids my age do. I know I have to be careful and take care of myself. I know I have Cystic Fibrosis. I know it's getting worse.

But that's the thing - I know all of that.

And yet, people still treat me like I'm a child, or some half-person who doesn't know exactly how serious it is. Well, I've seen my medical charts, I know my odds. I get it. But nobody else does.

All I want is to be. I want to be young. I want to be in love. I want to be happy. I want to be with Norman. But there's this wall, this protective glass bubble everyone puts me in that blocks me from that. Everyone is so worried about prolonging the time I have that they're willing to make that time horrible and boring and barely worth living. I'd rather live each moment to the fullest I can than sit meekly and patiently wait for the end, even if that means the end is further off.

That's not to say I want to be reckless and make myself worse. I don't. But I want to make the choice about it, and I want everyone to respect that. Especially Norman. He is the one that asked me out, but he is all of a sudden feeling too protective over me to take our relationship to the next level? If he's really that worried, if he really felt like it was something I literally CANNOT do, he shouldn't have asked me out. And if he's going to tell his MOTHER about it and then throw that in my face, I don't know if I want to go along for that ride. That's humiliating! I'm not OK with there being a “Let's Decide What Emma Can and Can't Do” committee that I'm not on. I should be the sole member of that committee! It's hard enough to be rejected by your own boyfriend without it becoming about his mother's sex advice. What kind of real man goes to his mom about sex anyways?

I have lived with this disease for my entire life and I do not appreciate being told how to handle it. If Norma and Norman and my dad and my doctors and the rest of the world don't think that it's the number one thing on my mind, 24/7, that it's not something I struggle with on a daily basis, that I am not scared out of my mind at what is going to happen, then maybe the people that care most about me don't really know me at all.

Sometimes I wonder if it's fair of me to be with Norman, or with anyone for that matter. He deserves someone who he can be with forever; I don't have a ‘forever' to give.

But, I'm not going to give up. Norman Bates is my boyfriend, and I'm not dead yet.

Stuck in the Middle

Norman's seemed a bit preoccupied lately. He's taking Annika Johnson's disappearance pretty hard. He tries to play it off as "managerial concern", but I can see right through that. He's such a good person - he cares too deeply, even about people that he doesn't know. I feel kind of silly for being the teeniest bit jealous of her when he gave her a ride that one night - girls like her always get guys' attention.

I actually took a page out of her book and got all dressed up for work: black lace dress, matching lingerie, and heels. Heels for crying out loud! Do you know how hard it is to walk on the motel gravel in heels? Pretty impossible to make that look sexy. I even watched a makeup tutorial on YouTube. That turned out to be more trouble than it was worth, but the fact that I watched it has to mean something, right? And it worked. Norman said I looked nice, which may not sound super exciting, but he said it with this look in his eyes. It felt good to be noticed. I felt like a real woman. I don't think I'll be able to put that much effort in to my appearance every day, but it's nice to know that I've got it, when I want to flaunt it.

Thinking about that look in Norman's eye still gives me shivers. I've wanted him to look at me like that for years.

We were talking about his relationship with his mom; on the one hand, I'm really glad he's opening up to me on a deeper level than he ever has, but on the other, I also don't feel like I'm the right person to talk to. I know I'm his girlfriend, and I want to be supportive, but I also have a great relationship with Norma, so it's easy for me to defend her. But more than that, these issues that he brings up with her seem like more than the normal mother/son fights. It seems big. Especially with how riled up he got. Like, really angry. I don't think people get so out of control when they fight with their mothers. But, what do I know? I don't have a mom. So maybe it is normal...

In other news, I got to go up and see Dylan's farm! It's beautiful up there. I'm strangely proud of him for everything he's accomplished and what this farm means for him. He's not really mine to be proud of, but it's like there's this overwhelming bubble of pride in my chest when I think about him up there. Or maybe that's just my CF ;) (It's my blog, I can joke if I want to!)

But, while I was there I found out some stuff I wish I hadn't. Not that it's bad, really, it's just not my business. Now I have to decide whether to tell this secret or not. It sucks because I am really close to mostly everyone it affects, but I'm forced to pick who to be loyal to. I know it's not anyone's fault that I'm involved (actually, it's my fault for turning up unannounced), but I know I'll feel guilty either way. But, if they don't know, it can't hurt them... right? I know I'm talking in the abstract, which doesn't clarify anything, but what would you guys do if you were asked to keep a secret from people you love in order to help someone else you also care about?

I'm So Confused

...I guess I should start from the beginning.

Norma kept asking me about the girl staying in room four. What was her name again? Oh, Annika. I just remember her wearing that inappropriately revealing dress and Norman staring at her. It was so annoying. Okay... back to the point.

At first, I thought it was nothing but then Norma seemed really concerned, like pacing-back-and-forth nervous. I felt bad for her. I told Norma the only information I knew - that Norman drove with Annika into town, to show her where Olive and Anchor is located. But this didn't really seem to make Norma feel better. In fact, it made her more agitated.

I can't believe I'm going to admit this (hopefully no one of authority is going to read this) but we let ourselves into Annika's room to look around for clues! I know. That's a big violation of privacy. I'll admit that it was my idea, but I felt it was the only way to help. I would never look through someone's stuff! But I mean, we were worried. So it's okay, right?

It was so weird finding all the, um, stuff, Annika had in her room. Let's just say Annika has an interesting sex life. Norma asked me not to tell Norman about looking through Annika's stuff. It wasn't until later that I realized I shouldn't have told Norma about Norman going with Annika.

So, I told Norman what I had said to Norma. He wasn't mad or anything, which was good. At least things with Norman aren't that unclear. I mean, honestly, things with Norman are good. I'm happy.

We had a really nice date at this seafood restaurant in the village. The food wasn't nearly as good as the conversation. We talked about life, how things are changing for us, and S-E-X (I know). I feel like I'm getting to see this new side of Norman. I know that's obvious because things are different when you're "just friends." But Norman seems so innocent, but somehow so grown up.

Norman also said something so sweet about us. It's too private to share here, but I'll always remember it. It made me realize how much I really like him. I think sometimes you just have to be a little patient with Norman. Eventually he figures things out and does the right thing, like asking me out. Finally! Anyway, I can't wait to see him tomorrow. Things are going to be awesome this year! I just know it!

I Have to Say

...that it feels good to be writing again. For a while there, this blog was a tool - an outlet that I needed to get things off my chest. Therapy or something. There are A LOT of changes that have been going on with me lately that I feel I should keep everyone up to date on. First...

I HAVE A NEW BOSS. I know what you’re probably thinking: "Did you finally quit your job at the motel?" Nope. Turns out Norman has been promoted to motel manager. (I know, right?) He also told me that he's going to be home-schooled. I was really bummed at first because I knew I’d be losing one of my only friends at school. The one person that I eat lunch with. The one person I can actually have an intellectual conversation with. The one person I have mutual interests with. I was immediately saddened by this - until he asked me to join him! (WHAT!?)

Weird, right? But it actually makes sense. Now I can help Norman with his new managerial duties, and be present with him more. I mean, the only reason I ever really got up in the morning to go to school was to see him. These are my best years and I want to spend every one of them with him.

I hope I’m not coming across as a stalker.

In fact, I know I’m not because, as soon as I said that to him (yes, I actually said I wanted to spend my last years with him out loud - cringe) Norman said that he felt the timing was right and that we should GO OUT!

He thinks we should be a couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend. More than just friends. He wants us to be an item! I know, I know... crazy, right?

Well, like I said earlier, things are on the up-and-up. I’m just so excited. Norman told me that he’s never been on a date before. I mean, he hooked up with Bradley (God rest her soul) but I guess they never dated-dated. I hope he plans something romantic. I feel like this has been a long time coming. Check back in next week (same Emma-time, same Emma-channel) and I’ll tell you guys all about how the date went.

Wish me luck!

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