myule's blog

There is Something About Him

...that just draws my attention. The look on his face, sound of his voice, and his innate desire to help his family at all costs. I find myself wanting to just be around Dylan more and more. It's not like I expected these feelings to flair up, but I am happy they are. It's like he's the perfect guy for me and he's been right under my nose this entire time.

He's been busy with his work, and I know he's got a lot on his mind, especially with his business, his dad, and making sure his family stays intact. He's all about doing the right thing, and about being the bigger person. This is a characteristic that anyone would be lucky to have in a significant other.

It was strange because Dylan came to my room yesterday, and I was napping. I know, I probably looked horrible, with some serious bed head or something, but... I felt comfortable, almost safe with him, nothing else mattered. There's a sense that it feels like I can talk to him and be honest, and it seems that he feels the same way.

Anyway, I told him that I knew about Caleb for a long time now, and that it didn't matter to me, what happened in his past. The past is the past. We don't choose how we come into the world. We are what we are. He shouldn't be ashamed of who he is - because I know he's a good person. He left, and I just have been getting these feelings, these butterflies. Things feel right with him.

I had to do it

...Officially.

Norman was struggling to build a fence so maybe it wasn't the best time to end things with him, but I wanted to talk to him before Dylan came back into town. At least he didn't push me into that pit! He took it pretty well, but who knows with him. I thought I knew him pretty well but after the other night, I'm not sure I have the faintest idea of what's going on in his head.

I'm sure he thinks I'm ending things just because of how he acted the other night, but it's not only that. It's that he's distant and odd with me. Our interactions always felt forced and unnatural unlike whatever is happening with Dylan. Norman seemed a little upset, but he'll be ok. You don't break up with someone unless it's already broken. I read that somewhere.

I mean, Dylan called to check up on me, to see how I was feeling. He didn't want me to worry while he was gone. I think Norman means well but I can't remember an moment with him where it wasn't all about him and his feelings and his mother. I understand that all of that is important but I want things, too. I want to feel connected to someone and I want someone to care about my feelings.

Seeing Gunner was a throwback. He is kind of hot. He said something about having meant to call me or something but... whatever. Been there done that, I guess. That's two letdowns in as many days. Emma the Heartbreaker lol.

I hope Dylan likes the cookies. He's such a special person.

Until next time...

God My Emotions

...ran the gamut the last few days. I couldn't believe it when Dylan walked into the office. He asked me out to dinner! He was so sweet. It was music to my ears. Those hound dog eyes and that scruff! I mean he could mix up his jackets every once in while, but I was basically flattened. And it all seemed so natural. He claimed it was for helping out with Norman. Nice ruse. I knew something more was on his mind. We just had this little two-part bow-chicka-wow-wow harmony thing going on. About time. Norman was nice and I thought I was happy, I just didn't realize that we were playing house. It wasn't real. Dylan is something different.

It was all so beautiful... and then my Dad waltzed in and proceeded to nuke the crap out of one of the most incredible moments of my life. What else could I do but storm out? Dad eventually came around. We had our usual dance. He did a version of his actuary speech, I told him I had to seize the day. I won the round and we sealed the détente with a hug. We'll be back at it soon I'm sure.

The night with Dylan was amazing, simply unbelievable. I mean it wasn't even remotely what I expected, of course. I was expecting eros and got something almost divine. Seeing Dylan with his entire family for the first time was magical. Like a soul-sucking weight left the house. Sheriff Romero smiled and Caleb sang! It was one hell of a dinner party.

I Haven't Slept

...in 48 hours so please excuse any typos. My whole body feels weak, like I have a very thin grasp on reality. But before I crash I have to get this out of my head...

Have you ever had a crush on someone? You see him and you just know, he's your person. You're sure of it. Because how could someone who makes you feel like this be wrong? And it's not just him you fall for, but the whole package; the firecracker of a mother who feels everything so acutely, and the kind under-appreciated brother. So you wait for him to get the picture. Because the picture could be perfect. If only he saw you.

And then one day he does. Suddenly you're living in this dream world you didn't even realize you had constructed. But as time goes by you're thinking, gosh this isn't exactly what I pictured. It all looks right, the players and the setting, but it feels off. And then one day it's as if the scaffolding is crumbling all around you and you're left asking, who is Norman Bates?

The truth is I saw a side of Norman last night I've never seen before, and it occurred to me that the guy I fell for was an illusion. I'd taken liberties, filling in the gaps. I was thinking he couldn't see me, but it was me who didn't see him. Now, I don't want you to think that finding out Norman isn't who I thought he was means I'm going to leave him behind. I care about him. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm so thankful to Dylan for letting me in last night. He showed such incredible strength in the face of uncertainty. I hope Norman knows how much Dylan loves him. How much I love him, too.

So, what happens now? What will be left behind when the dust settles?

And what am I going to say to him?

Life is Hard Sometimes

...This morning, Norma came into the office and said that Norman was under the weather and sleeping in his room. She had to go run some errands and asked if I could keep an eye on him. I don't really know what went on the previous night, but she looked stressed out about him. So I agreed.

I guess after blowing off steam and ranting in my last post, it really helped me to get out a lot of my frustration and put some things into perspective. As I watched Norman sleep, I couldn't help but think about how we all have our own things we go through in life. Norman is such a sweet and gentle human being; I would never wish anything bad on him. But he's been through a lot. The death of his father, taking up the role as "man" of his home and helping his mother run their business, not to mention all of the other craziness the motel brings with it.

I think he puts so much pressure on himself that he makes it hard for anyone to help him. The only person he puts all his trust in is Norma, and he needs to realize he has more than just her he can rely on. He has a brother. Dylan wants what is best for the family, and has worked really hard to get to a good place inside their unit. Norman needs to trust him, but sometimes Norman puts up these blinders, these walls, and doesn't see the good that Dylan is trying to do, not only for himself, but also for his family. Dylan is trying to heal. I'm sure Dylan feels like me sometimes, on the outside looking in. Wishing he were as bonded to Norman as Norman is to Norma. He wants that brotherly trust, the camaraderie.

The Bates family is going through some very deep emotional family issues, and they need to support one another. Instead of pointing fingers they need to come together as one unit and hash out their issues. These secrets only hurt their family connection that's taken so long to mend.

I just hope they can all work through it.

!!!Rant Alert!!!

...OK, tell me honestly - do I look stupid? Do I look like someone who can't handle things? Who needs every single little decision made for her? Because, based on the way people have been treating me lately, it certainly feels that way.

I know I can't do everything that normal kids my age do. I know I have to be careful and take care of myself. I know I have Cystic Fibrosis. I know it's getting worse.

But that's the thing - I know all of that.

And yet, people still treat me like I'm a child, or some half-person who doesn't know exactly how serious it is. Well, I've seen my medical charts, I know my odds. I get it. But nobody else does.

All I want is to be. I want to be young. I want to be in love. I want to be happy. I want to be with Norman. But there's this wall, this protective glass bubble everyone puts me in that blocks me from that. Everyone is so worried about prolonging the time I have that they're willing to make that time horrible and boring and barely worth living. I'd rather live each moment to the fullest I can than sit meekly and patiently wait for the end, even if that means the end is further off.

That's not to say I want to be reckless and make myself worse. I don't. But I want to make the choice about it, and I want everyone to respect that. Especially Norman. He is the one that asked me out, but he is all of a sudden feeling too protective over me to take our relationship to the next level? If he's really that worried, if he really felt like it was something I literally CANNOT do, he shouldn't have asked me out. And if he's going to tell his MOTHER about it and then throw that in my face, I don't know if I want to go along for that ride. That's humiliating! I'm not OK with there being a “Let's Decide What Emma Can and Can't Do” committee that I'm not on. I should be the sole member of that committee! It's hard enough to be rejected by your own boyfriend without it becoming about his mother's sex advice. What kind of real man goes to his mom about sex anyways?

I have lived with this disease for my entire life and I do not appreciate being told how to handle it. If Norma and Norman and my dad and my doctors and the rest of the world don't think that it's the number one thing on my mind, 24/7, that it's not something I struggle with on a daily basis, that I am not scared out of my mind at what is going to happen, then maybe the people that care most about me don't really know me at all.

Sometimes I wonder if it's fair of me to be with Norman, or with anyone for that matter. He deserves someone who he can be with forever; I don't have a ‘forever' to give.

But, I'm not going to give up. Norman Bates is my boyfriend, and I'm not dead yet.

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