myule's blog

Stuck in the Middle

Norman's seemed a bit preoccupied lately. He's taking Annika Johnson's disappearance pretty hard. He tries to play it off as "managerial concern", but I can see right through that. He's such a good person - he cares too deeply, even about people that he doesn't know. I feel kind of silly for being the teeniest bit jealous of her when he gave her a ride that one night - girls like her always get guys' attention.

I actually took a page out of her book and got all dressed up for work: black lace dress, matching lingerie, and heels. Heels for crying out loud! Do you know how hard it is to walk on the motel gravel in heels? Pretty impossible to make that look sexy. I even watched a makeup tutorial on YouTube. That turned out to be more trouble than it was worth, but the fact that I watched it has to mean something, right? And it worked. Norman said I looked nice, which may not sound super exciting, but he said it with this look in his eyes. It felt good to be noticed. I felt like a real woman. I don't think I'll be able to put that much effort in to my appearance every day, but it's nice to know that I've got it, when I want to flaunt it.

Thinking about that look in Norman's eye still gives me shivers. I've wanted him to look at me like that for years.

We were talking about his relationship with his mom; on the one hand, I'm really glad he's opening up to me on a deeper level than he ever has, but on the other, I also don't feel like I'm the right person to talk to. I know I'm his girlfriend, and I want to be supportive, but I also have a great relationship with Norma, so it's easy for me to defend her. But more than that, these issues that he brings up with her seem like more than the normal mother/son fights. It seems big. Especially with how riled up he got. Like, really angry. I don't think people get so out of control when they fight with their mothers. But, what do I know? I don't have a mom. So maybe it is normal...

In other news, I got to go up and see Dylan's farm! It's beautiful up there. I'm strangely proud of him for everything he's accomplished and what this farm means for him. He's not really mine to be proud of, but it's like there's this overwhelming bubble of pride in my chest when I think about him up there. Or maybe that's just my CF ;) (It's my blog, I can joke if I want to!)

But, while I was there I found out some stuff I wish I hadn't. Not that it's bad, really, it's just not my business. Now I have to decide whether to tell this secret or not. It sucks because I am really close to mostly everyone it affects, but I'm forced to pick who to be loyal to. I know it's not anyone's fault that I'm involved (actually, it's my fault for turning up unannounced), but I know I'll feel guilty either way. But, if they don't know, it can't hurt them... right? I know I'm talking in the abstract, which doesn't clarify anything, but what would you guys do if you were asked to keep a secret from people you love in order to help someone else you also care about?

I'm So Confused

...I guess I should start from the beginning.

Norma kept asking me about the girl staying in room four. What was her name again? Oh, Annika. I just remember her wearing that inappropriately revealing dress and Norman staring at her. It was so annoying. Okay... back to the point.

At first, I thought it was nothing but then Norma seemed really concerned, like pacing-back-and-forth nervous. I felt bad for her. I told Norma the only information I knew - that Norman drove with Annika into town, to show her where Olive and Anchor is located. But this didn't really seem to make Norma feel better. In fact, it made her more agitated.

I can't believe I'm going to admit this (hopefully no one of authority is going to read this) but we let ourselves into Annika's room to look around for clues! I know. That's a big violation of privacy. I'll admit that it was my idea, but I felt it was the only way to help. I would never look through someone's stuff! But I mean, we were worried. So it's okay, right?

It was so weird finding all the, um, stuff, Annika had in her room. Let's just say Annika has an interesting sex life. Norma asked me not to tell Norman about looking through Annika's stuff. It wasn't until later that I realized I shouldn't have told Norma about Norman going with Annika.

So, I told Norman what I had said to Norma. He wasn't mad or anything, which was good. At least things with Norman aren't that unclear. I mean, honestly, things with Norman are good. I'm happy.

We had a really nice date at this seafood restaurant in the village. The food wasn't nearly as good as the conversation. We talked about life, how things are changing for us, and S-E-X (I know). I feel like I'm getting to see this new side of Norman. I know that's obvious because things are different when you're "just friends." But Norman seems so innocent, but somehow so grown up.

Norman also said something so sweet about us. It's too private to share here, but I'll always remember it. It made me realize how much I really like him. I think sometimes you just have to be a little patient with Norman. Eventually he figures things out and does the right thing, like asking me out. Finally! Anyway, I can't wait to see him tomorrow. Things are going to be awesome this year! I just know it!

I Have to Say

...that it feels good to be writing again. For a while there, this blog was a tool - an outlet that I needed to get things off my chest. Therapy or something. There are A LOT of changes that have been going on with me lately that I feel I should keep everyone up to date on. First...

I HAVE A NEW BOSS. I know what you’re probably thinking: "Did you finally quit your job at the motel?" Nope. Turns out Norman has been promoted to motel manager. (I know, right?) He also told me that he's going to be home-schooled. I was really bummed at first because I knew I’d be losing one of my only friends at school. The one person that I eat lunch with. The one person I can actually have an intellectual conversation with. The one person I have mutual interests with. I was immediately saddened by this - until he asked me to join him! (WHAT!?)

Weird, right? But it actually makes sense. Now I can help Norman with his new managerial duties, and be present with him more. I mean, the only reason I ever really got up in the morning to go to school was to see him. These are my best years and I want to spend every one of them with him.

I hope I’m not coming across as a stalker.

In fact, I know I’m not because, as soon as I said that to him (yes, I actually said I wanted to spend my last years with him out loud - cringe) Norman said that he felt the timing was right and that we should GO OUT!

He thinks we should be a couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend. More than just friends. He wants us to be an item! I know, I know... crazy, right?

Well, like I said earlier, things are on the up-and-up. I’m just so excited. Norman told me that he’s never been on a date before. I mean, he hooked up with Bradley (God rest her soul) but I guess they never dated-dated. I hope he plans something romantic. I feel like this has been a long time coming. Check back in next week (same Emma-time, same Emma-channel) and I’ll tell you guys all about how the date went.

Wish me luck!

Breathing In

...and breathing out... it's the most basic sign of life. And I suck at it.

So, I've been to the doctor recently. It was just another run-of-the-mill check up. A maintenance thing, really. They tell me that because I'm with myself all day, every day, I might not be able to tell when small changes occur, so I have a doctor to check in with every once and a while to tell me how my lungs are holding up.

This time around he told me that my lung capacity has "significantly diminished," and that I need to, "scale it down, as far as activities go." The funny thing is that when someone tells you the end is near, the last thing you'll want to do is "scale it down." I want to turn it up! I want to live at full speed while I can instead of maybe living a bit longer at a crawl.

I haven't told anyone. Somehow it feels strange to bring up out of the blue. "Hey guys, things aren't looking so hot over here!" My dad even asked me to consider following through on quitting the motel. I told him I'd consider it, but after my talk with Norman when he finally let me in on what's been going on around me all year, I just don't see how I could leave. The Bates family needs me. Plus, I refuse to believe my desk job is going to be the thing that gets me in the end.

Despite my not-so-good diagnosis, I'm staying positive. This is going to be a year to remember.

They Found Norman!

I was so happy to see him. Norma said that he had the stomach flu and was taken to the ER (which I thought was a little strange since I haven't heard of anything going around) but it felt like she was pushing me away, so I didn't ask any more questions. Norman looked a bit odd — definitely not his normal self. He didn't even really look at me when he was getting out of the car. It had to be more than just a flu. Right? I just went back to the office and sat there, annoyed, feeling again like I was on the outside looking in.

The next day, Norman gave me a ring on the phone. He said that he wanted me to bring him his notebook from the office. When I got upstairs, he was organizing his room or something.

Then he brought up The Tyger poem by William Blake. The poem that essentially began our friendship. The poem that reminded me how much we've been through together. Dammit, Norman! As hard as it is to try and get over him, I just can't.

Then he asked me why I decided to quit working at the motel, and I just felt at that moment that I needed to be as honest as possible. The Bates family is a very close family, and so much of me wants to be a part of that. I guess, with it just being me and my dad for so long, it was nice to be able to lean on some other people. Another family.

Norman was honest with me and told me something so private (sadly I can't say what it is here — trust me, you're better off not knowing) that it made sense to me why the family has been so tight lipped as of late. My heart literally dropped (well, not literally, but you know...) and Norman reassured me that Norma loves having me around, and that they want me to continue working at the motel. I said I needed to think about it, but I just can't imagine leaving this family now after what he told me.

Something else sort of bizarre happened the day after all of this. Norman came to the office and was in this weird, very somber mood. He said he was going to go for a walk in the woods. A few minutes later, Norma came rushing downstairs and asked where he went and then took off running after him. About 15 minutes later they came back from across the street hugging each other and in tears. I guess whatever they are going through is just taking its toll on them right now.

I've decided that, until the family gets their problems resolved, it's probably best for me to stop writing about them. Give them their privacy. I'm sure I'll be back on my blog game one day, but for a short while, I think I'm gonna give myself a writing break.

I'm So Depressed

The last few days were a train wreck of awfulness. I am sick of being stuck on the outside looking in. Apparently Norman is missing and they won't even let me know anything about it. That's crazy. We're friends. Even Sheriff Romero is up to something. I got a little testy with him and he told me that, “I should get some fresh air.” That's a seriously messed up thing to say to someone with cystic fibrosis. I wish I had one of those Free Mumia Abu-Jamal stickers on my tank. I would've loved to just raise that sucker up and point at it. I was so angry.

You may have guessed where all of this is leading. I put in my two weeks notice. I actually like working at the motel. I don't even want to quit, but I think of everyone as more than just coworkers and I just need something in return. I really wanted a reaction, or maybe I even fantasized that Norma would beg me to stay. She just thanked me and looked at me like I was a banana peel asking to not be thrown in the trash. I guess it is just part of life, something you have to learn to live with.

Who knows, maybe something will change. I did have a moment with Norma. I was closing up the hotel when she freaked out on George. I didn't hear everything, but she went off on him. Maybe he deserved it, but I think he may just be a nice guy caught in the Norma Bates jet stream. Anyways, George stormed out. I tried to comfort Norma, but she was inconsolable. I know it isn't just George. Something big is definitely going on.

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